Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.