I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Home #decor warning.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy