Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
😏😏😏
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.