I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.