Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I’d hang this in my house.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
This sounds bad:
when you don’t want to be too vague
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
the #horror is real!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.