this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Before & after 😅
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day