At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”