If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir