My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot