[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Bless you
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.