*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
scared to check what name she chose
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…