“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.