I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
You Might Also Like
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Friday night party time 🥳
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.