“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?