Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited