She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
channeling her this year
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.