[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
You Might Also Like
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe