i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well