I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg