I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Meeeee too!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE