grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You Might Also Like
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
he was correct
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.