I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Put a ring on it
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I feel seen
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.