Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir