M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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Krampus.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
12. I think about this all the damn time
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW