Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER