Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Rather alarming headline…
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I was up all night reading about insomnia
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.