Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
it’s the silliest best thing