*sewing*
A thread
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder