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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Thank you corporation very cool
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.