Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy