I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My blood type is b hungry.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!