I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’d rather go liquor treating.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.