*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.