[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one