Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.