If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
this is me
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.