[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Girl, same.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.