The honesty is refreshing
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Bro what is this
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.