I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.