million dollar idea: worm dehorser
You Might Also Like
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Every work meeting this week
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.