Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Weighing up my bread heating options
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.