[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Animal poetry
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos