Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My Guy