You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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I can’t stop watching this.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
courtroom exchange of the day
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you