I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Mountain Goat : )
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Okay, I’m still confused…
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.