The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Canada has crack?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
just pretend nothing happened
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue