Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
This is I, Robot all over again
Hey I worked for it too!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My dad is at it again