Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”