Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]


Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.


I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.


The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say


A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.