waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.