How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
One of the best
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.