“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
You Might Also Like
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.